


sanctify

by Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness



Category: The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst, Coming Out, Depression, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Multi, Protective Jace Wayland, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-07 20:05:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14678486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness/pseuds/Iwillseduceyouwithmyweirdness
Summary: 5+1 where Alec self harms, and his family and friends try to help him, and the one time he helps himself





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this contains description of self harm, so please be careful and dont read if it will trigger you. For me, reading this kind of thing helps me sometimes, which is why i thought i'd post this. this is literally my first ever fic, so please be gentle with me! i am in the process of writing more chapters about Izzy, Magnus and maybe some others, and hope to most them soon

Alec was 19 when someone first found out he had been self harming. He had been doing it for a year before anyone knew about it. Ultimately, he knew that someone would find out eventually, but he prayed that maybe he could hide it for just a little bit longer – just long enough that he would be able to sort his head out a bit. Given his luck though, he wasn’t surprised at all when it all went tits up.

 

It had been a pretty rough day when someone had first confronted him about his secret. Alec had woken up in the worst possible mood, and he already knew it would be a Bad Day before he even got out of bed. Still, he got up, showered, had breakfast and trained as usual, because he knew that the institute needed him. Izzy and Jace needed him.

 

His head had been a mess of thoughts, which seemed to chase each other in an exhausting loop. Mostly he thought about how much he let his family down: he wasn’t the best fighter like Jace, he couldn’t help people like Izzy, he didn’t learn things as quickly as Max, he was gay, and he was expected to marry a girl soon, and have a family. Overall, he was just a disappointment to everyone. On days like these, he often wondered why he was alive at all. Sometimes fragments of plans to end his life would form – a sentence from a suicide note here, a time of day to end it there. He never seriously planned anything, but he acknowledged the truth of the thoughts when they arose.

 

They had been sent on a pretty rough mission in the afternoon, and the demon den they raided hadn’t gone down without a fight. Every time the group of demons thinned, more seemed to spring from shadows and crevices without warning. At one point, Alec suddenly thought of dropping his seraph blade and letting them attack him, but ultimately, he realised that, for Izzy and Jace, their brother being killed in a fight would be a big distraction, and could lead to the demons badly hurting his family or worse. No, Alec Lightwood would live to fight another day.

 

Still, they had arrived back at the institute with nothing more than scrapes, bruises and the odd pulled muscle. It didn’t stop Alec feeling awful though. Sometimes the exercise helped, and angry demons were always a good distraction from the emptiness he felt, but now he was back home, he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to be left alone.

 

During their debrief, Alec began to notice a familiar pull in his stomach, which slowly spread, until the skin all over his body felt like it was crawling. He took a deep breath. This was not what he needed right now. Normally, he could overexert himself during training to dull the itch of needing to hurt himself, but today it was worse. Hurting himself was the only way Alec could see to relive the anxiousness in his limbs and calm his head.

 

As soon as they were dismissed, Alec bolted back to his room, despite his siblings’ calls that they should watch a movie to relax. He didn’t even feel bad about dismissing them yet. He knew that would come later, but for now, all he could think about was the blade that was taped to the underside of the cabinet under the sink.

 

Once in his room, he shut the door quickly and almost ran to the bathroom, barely able to control himself. He locked the door and ripped open the cabinet to retrieve his blade. As soon as it was in his hand, his whole world slowed. He could feel his breathing relax, despite the fact that his heart was still beating at a hundred miles an hour.

 

This was what he had needed all day, and the relief of that thought settled like a stone in his gut. But that was something to be guilty at later. Right now, Alec only wanted one thing.

 

Being a shadowhunter meant that you collected your fair share of scars. However, Alec soon realised that it was pretty hard to hide rows upon rows of straight, even scars. As such, he cut where no one would ever see: his thighs. Obviously, a lover would see them, but seeing as Alec was gay, and he knew that it wasn’t exactly an option to come out, or even date while in the closet, so he figured that no one would ever know. He quickly stepped out of his trousers, and rolled up the right leg of his boxers.

 

Alec paused for a minute, listening to make sure no one would interrupt him, before he made the first cut. It wasn’t especially deep, but blood welled up in it immediately, and he knew that it would probably still scar.

 

He made three more cuts, each a little deeper than the last, before he paused to inspect what he had done. He had made a rule never to overlap his scars, and as such, he had row upon row of neat little cuts on his thigh. The only thing was that he was running out of room on this leg; _I’ll just have to start on the other leg,_ he mused, making another cut below the other four, as if emphasising the thought.

 

Just as he was about to make a sixth cut, he heard the sound of heavy boots enter his room, and the click to tell him that his bedroom door had been closed again after whoever it was had entered. His hand stilled. _There is no way this can be good_ , he thought, letting his head fall back against the door. Living with a bunch of highly trained fighters, Alec knew that the loud boots were a warning: whoever it was wanted Alec to know he had company.

 

‘Alec?’ Jace called hesitantly.

 

_Fuck._ With a jolt, Alec realised that he was crying, and the realisation made a sob swell up in his throat. He covered his face with his hands to try to mask his rapidly increasing breathing.

 

‘Alec, I’m pretty sure you’re in here,’ Alec cursed Jace’s persistence to find him and his own stupid crying for giving his hiding place away. ‘I’m not going to try to come in the bathroom yet, but, mate, I think I know what you’re doing in there, and I just want to talk.’

 

_Fuck fuck fuck._ Alec’s whole body was shaking, and his mind only wanted to focus on two things: the very obvious “yet”, that made Alec double check that the bathroom door was locked, and the fact that Jace could guess what Alec was doing.

 

Jace didn’t seem to get the memo that Alec was literally never in the mood to talk, because he barrelled on regardless of the fact that the only noise Alec had made was a breathy sob. ‘Alec, we’re parapatai, remember? I know what you’re feeling – and if you’re hurt – and I know that right now you’re having a pretty shitty day, no doubt made worse by me busting in here, but I can’t let you do this to yourself over and over again.’

 

Alec looked down at his bloody leg, and thought about all the times he had done this before, it had been a year since he started, _a pretty good run, all things considered_ , he decided. Jace had asked if he was hurt before, but Alec had always brushed him off with excuses about fights and tough training before now. Sometimes he forgot how deep their connection was, the fact that Jace could literally feel that Alec was ten foot deep in his own thoughts. He forced himself not to think about the fact that Jace could – however vaguely – feel all five of the pretty cuts he had lined up along his leg. He dropped the blade quickly, as if it could stop everything from happening.

 

‘Alec, I’ve known for a long time how self-destructive you are. Hell, I knew that within a week of meeting you. But recently, I know you’ve had the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don’t quite know why. Izzy said to give you some space while you “figured stuff out”, but she didn’t say any more. I always wondered why you never healed yourself when you said that you got hurt in training or whatever, and then it just kind of hit me what you were doing. And this morning, I felt it as soon as I woke up. I want to help Alec, please let me?’

 

The weight in Alec’s gut increased considerably, leaving him feeling nauseous. His parapatai – his _crush_ – was sat outside, telling him that he knew Alec was self harming and feeling depressed. What the _fuck_ was he meant to do now?

 

Luckily, Jace was still one step ahead of him, always the better sibling. ‘Can I come in please Alec?’

 

Alec’s body seemed to move on its own. Despite everything in him screaming not to open the door, he slowly stood, and watched as his shaking hands unlocked the door, and proceeded to open it. Jace must have heard him move, because he was now stood, framed by the door and the soft light filtering in from the window of his bedroom. It was only at that moment that Alec realised that he hadn’t put the bathroom light on, and that it probably didn’t help the case he was already planning to get Jace off his back. As it was, Jace was wearing a deep frown, his mouth turned down at the edges in a way that Alec had rarely seen on his brother. The concern in his face, and the dull thud in the back of his mind that told Alec that Jace was feeling much more scared than he let on, seemed to slam Alec back into his body, and the throb in his leg increased tenfold, suddenly making him feel very exposed.

 

It felt like hours before either of them moved. Eventually, Jace broke the spell, by reaching into the bathroom to turn on the light, and muttering a soft ‘let’s get you cleaned up.’ He gently corralled Alec back into sitting on the edge of the bath tub, and proceeded to close and lock the door, which eased a little of Alec’s worry – at least now only Jace would have to witness him at his worst.

 

Jace grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink, and Alec cringed as he grabbed the blade and slid it into his pocket. ‘Breathe, Alec, you’re okay.’ He said, voice still low and wary, as if he had pinned a wild dog and was trying to tame it. Alec took a deep breath that was more sob than anything else. How was he still crying? He knew the answer his mother would give: he was weak. He didn’t deserve Jace being concerned over him; Jace never would be concerned about him if he knew anything about Alec’s embarrassing infatuation with him.

 

The sting of rubbing alcohol brought him out of his reverie, and it startled another sob from his lips before he could stop it. Jace looked up at him from where he was hunched over his leg, and squeezed his forearm in what he hoped was a comforting gesture.

 

The rest of Jace’s treatment was quick; once the cuts were cleaned, he had asked once, tentatively, whether he would be allowed to heal them. Alec had shaken his head, and pretended to ignore the disappointment in his step brother’s eyes. Jace had skilfully bandaged the cuts instead, and then rocked back on his heels, looking expectantly at Alec. _Oh shit. This is the part where he expects me to talk_. Alec was so not ready for any of this to happen, much less to talk about his _feelings_.

 

Jace sighed heavily and glanced away from Alec, taking his time to pack away the first aid kit, as if an extra three minutes would miraculously make Alec start telling him all of his darkest secrets.

 

With a jolt, Alec realised that he hadn’t spoken the whole time that Jace had been with him, which probably didn’t bode well for Alec’s new mission: Convince Jace I’m Okay. Despite the fact that he had stopped crying around the time that Jace had started bandaging his leg, Alec’s voice was alarmingly scratchy when he finally opened his mouth. ‘I’m fine.’

 

Jace’s scoff was all he needed to tell him that they were about to sit and have a long convocation, and that no amount of evasion would dissuade him. _Shit_ , Alec thought for the thousandth time since he woke up that morning. ‘Do you want to do this in here, or in your room?’

 

_Okay,_ he thought, _I can answer this without being a complete tit._ ‘I – in my room is better. I mean it will probably be more comfortable to sit in there.’ He thanked the angel that he managed not to make a fool of himself when he was talking. It was going to be a long night.

 

Jace didn’t seem to notice Alec’s internal struggle when he offered him a hand to help him up, but he did notice the way Alec froze when he hugged him. It was a fleeting thing, and soon Alec was propelling himself into the bedroom, locking the bedroom door, and returning to the bed. All the while, he tried not to obsess over the way that Jace would freak out if he knew that Alec was gay. _Was he taking advantage of Jace by hugging him?_ Alec knew it was illogical, not least because Jace had been the one to initiate the hug, but shadow hunter society was very strict on homosexuality, and Alec was sure he deserved this misery for liking boys the way he should like girls.

 

‘Okay,’ Jace breathed, ‘do you want to tell me what that was about?’

 

‘Everything has just been a lot recently.’ Maybe being vague would avoid Alec’s sore points.

 

‘Recently? Mate, you’ve been feeling this way for a long time. Even when we were first parapatai, you felt like this sometimes – no, don’t deny it – but when did you start hurting yourself?’

 

There was a beat where Alec considered running from the whole situation, but the words ‘a year’ were out of his mouth before he could unfold his legs from underneath him. He couldn’t look at Jace’s reaction though.

 

‘Does anyone else know?’

 

‘No.’

 

‘What about girlfriends? They must have seen. Who was that girl you told Izzy about a couple of months ago - Jessica Hawkblue?’

 

‘Fuck.’

 

‘That was her name, right?’

 

‘I – uh, I made her up, Jace, I just needed Izzy off my back for a while.’

 

‘Why? Where did you go when you were supposedly meeting her?’

 

In reality, Alec had just walked around the city, mostly, he made it back to the Brooklyn Bridge, and more often than not, he would spend a lot of time imagining what it would be like if he jumped, predicting his family’s reaction to his death. Right now, he thought that seemed like a nicer prospect than sitting here with Jace. ‘I just walked.’

 

Jace was silent for a moment, and then he looked Alec right in the eyes and said very carefully, ‘Alec, I know it’s not my place, but I care about you, and I only want the best for you. So, can I ask – I mean – are you attracted to girls at all, mate?’

 

Silence.

 

But apparently, Jace wanted to humiliate Alec further, because he took silence for confusion and just barrelled on with an explanation of his question: ‘It’s just that sometimes when we are on the street you stare at mundanes like Izzy and I do. But only the boys, Alec. This is what Iz said you were figuring out, right?’

 

Alec was too afraid to speak, in case his voice betrayed him.

 

‘I’m not going to be upset or freak out or whatever you think might happen. The Clave are wrong with their shitty opinions on same sex relationships, you know that right Alec?’

 

It was too much. Alec was crying again, although thankfully, this time he was doing it silently. Jace was finally quiet, and it seemed like now was the perfect time for Alec to sue for peace. ‘Please don’t tell anyone Jace.’

 

‘Of course. Izzy knows though, right? She’s told you this is okay?’

 

Alec nodded, but his gut still screamed that he was an abomination, that his family would disown him. But Jace was here, right? Despite everything he had seen today, he was here.

 

‘Was that what this was about?’ Jace questioned, gesturing vaguely at Alec’s legs.

 

Alec gave a half shrug and glanced away. ‘Not – not completely, today was just a Bad Day in general, but I got caught up in my head about all of this, and before I knew it-’ Alec cut himself off, this was the most he’d ever talked about his feelings, and finding the words was far from easy.

 

‘Alec, please tell me when things get like this. I can help. We don’t have to talk about the big things straight away, but if you let me know, I can distract you.’

 

Alec was hesitant at the idea of admitting this weakness to Jace, especially now that he knew that Alec was gay. He needed to keep his cards closer to his chest from now on.

 

‘You don’t have to say it out loud,’ _why was Jace always one step ahead?_ ‘You can just text me that it’s a bad day, and I can sort the rest.’

 

Alec nodded.

 

‘Okay, good, now come and watch this film with me and Iz, and we can forget this whole thing for a couple of hours until I need to change your bandages.’

 

Jace seemed so effortless again now, he pulled Alec into standing and didn’t even hesitate to hug Alec again, despite Alec’s defensiveness.

 

‘Thank you,’ Alec whispered, it was barely audible even though he was right by Jace’s ear, ‘thank you for everything.’

 

Just as they were leaving Alec’s bedroom, Jace murmured, ‘Alec, we’re still going to have to talk about this in the future, you know that, right?’


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace is away, so he has to tell Izzy that Alec is having a bad day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, so, thanks for sticking with me to the second chapter! for me, this is really cathartic, because i'm basically going through some of this right now. i'm still figuring out alec's emotions, so if anyone has any tips i would be really grateful. this chapter contains more internalized homophobia than the last so please be careful. i obviously don't agree with his views, but as a gay person myself, i know that this kind of thing is pretty common, and so yeah. please be careful with triggers, this chapter also contains direct reference to self harm!

Alec paced his room like a caged tiger, tapping his phone on his left hip all the while. It had been six months since Jace first found out about his self harming, and although the rate of it had now slowed, he had run out of room on his right leg, and had moved on to his left. His Bad Days had been getting worse, and there were fewer gaps in between them. Alec tried not to bother Jace, but he usually still knew, and he would often help clean up after a bad session of self harm if Alec would let him. He always wanted to talk about Alec’s feelings, but it wasn’t something that came easy to either of them, so usually Jace stopped asking questions if Alec was hostile enough. This always hurt both of them, because Alec could feel the worry radiating off Jace through their bond. However today was _Really Bad_ and Jace was away for the weekend with his latest girlfriend – not ideal.

 

But Alec needed help. Now. Or else his streak of two months clean would be down the drain. Not that he really minded right now, but Jace would be upset, especially since he was away when it happened. The thing was that no matter what his siblings said, he still felt _wrong_ , and, to Alec, the solution to that was penance.

 

His penance had to be paid in blood. It showed his dedication to be better; to be enough. The thing was that Alec did everything for his family, and he held no false pretences about what his kind of secrets could do to tarnish their reputation. He was gay, and he hurt himself on purpose: not exactly the clave’s definition of a perfect soldier. But somehow, in Alec’s mind, the pain he endured in hurting himself counteracted his feelings for men. Somehow.

 

Alec had tried all the techniques that Jace had suggested: one of his legs was currently covered in an intricate pattern of geometric biro, and he was pausing his pacing every now and again to ping an elastic band on his wrist. He had definitely over exerted himself in training this morning, but despite the ache of his body, the itch persisted.

 

He needed to text Jace, but he didn’t want to bother him, he was enough of a burden as it was without also adding all of his mental health issues to the mix. But somehow, Jace always knew exactly what Alec needed because his phone buzzed just as he was making his way to the bathroom to retrieve his blade. _Are you okay, mate?_ Alec stopped dead, searching for Jace’s emotions, and coming back with a shit tonne of worry.

 

_Bad Day_ , he replied, the capital letters signifying that this was serious. He hoped that would be the end of it, after all, Jace was all the way in California on a romantic break with some girl he hardly knew (although his parents thought he was building bonds between powerful shadow hunter families, which wasn’t exactly _wrong_ ) and there was nothing to be done about Alec’s mood from all the way over there. He continued his walk towards the bathroom.

 

Alec had done this so many times that he was on auto pilot: lock the door, open the cabinet under the sink, get the blade, trousers off, deep breath. He paused. While Jace had never actually asked Alec out right to stop self harming, it was pretty obvious that he wanted Alec to stop. He searched for new blades once a month, and inevitably found at least four. Alec didn’t bother to find new hiding places for them; living in the institute, there was no shortage of sharp objects he could use. But he always felt his brother’s disappointment. Now that he was out to Jace, his awkward crush on him was just a dull leap in the back of his mind every now and again. It was nothing more than a soft _oh_ , whenever Jace did something that made all the girls in the institute swoon. He was as over it as he could be, given their close living situation, and the fact Jace was helping him with _this_.

 

Just then, his phone started to ring. He balanced the blade on his thigh and lent his head back against the bath. Alec let it buzz on the floor next to him for three rings, before he finally made the decision to answer it.

 

‘Alec! Thank the angel. You haven’t-’

 

‘Not yet.’

 

‘Mate, talk to me.’

 

Alec could just imagine Jace sat on the bed of some crappy hostel, one hand covering half his face in that exhausted way he sometimes sat, and the other hand holding the phone to his ear. And here Alec was, ruining his well-earned break from everything being a shadow hunter involved. He was such a dick.

 

‘I just – I’m not feeling good, Jace. But it’s fine. You go have fun, I’ll cope.’

 

Alec heard Jace’s weary sigh, and didn’t have to consciously reach with his parabatai bond to know that Jace was about to suggest something that he really wasn’t going to like.

 

‘Alec, please can I call Izzy? I just hate knowing that you’re sat in that fucking bathroom all alone and beating yourself up over god knows what. We love you Alec, and she can look out for you until I’m back tomorrow morning.’

 

_No no no no no._ This couldn’t be happening. Alec’s already shallow breaths got more ragged and he knew that it wouldn’t be long before he had a full blown panic attack. Another one of his failings. He picked up the blade again.

 

‘Alec, please?’ Jace sounded desperate.

 

‘No.’

 

The sound of Jace’s frustrated sigh hit Alec like an elbow to the gut, and before he knew it, he was pressing the blade to the muscle of his thigh, and letting out a shaky breath from between his teeth.

 

‘Alec.’ Jace said, warning laced through his voice. ‘I told you, I’m not going to sit by and let you destroy yourself. If – if you just did what I think you did, then I’m sorry, but I have to tell Isabelle. You obviously can’t be alone right now.’ He sounded angry.

 

The reality of the situation seemed to dawn on Alec all at once. He had just cut while he was _on the phone to Jace_. That was a next level dick move. Sure, Jace had seen the aftermath of one of Alec’s Bad Days more times than either of them were comfortable with (not that he minded if he was helping his best friend feel better), but he had never been there when Alec was actually hurting himself before – if you didn’t count all of the training sessions where Alec pushed too hard, and somehow, they never seemed to count. This felt just as bad. It felt like Alec was throwing everything his parabatai had done for him – every night that Jace had sat with him in the dark, whispering reassurances – back in his face.

 

‘What, you – you’re going to put me _on suicide watch_ until you can babysit me yourself?’

 

‘What? Is that what you think you need Alec? Because I can get the next flight home.’ The frustration in his voice was obvious.

 

‘No, Jace,’ all of the fight had gone out of Alec. _Yeah, maybe I do need suicide watch_ , he thought as he watched the blood flow from the deep cut in his leg. If he didn’t heal it, it would almost certainly need stitches. Right now, there was no way he would use an iratze, despite the throb in his leg. ‘Don’t come home.’

 

There was a long silence.

 

‘I’m not sure about this, Alec.’ Jace took a deep breath. ‘I just want to help. And right now, it feels like you need all the help you can get. You know I need to tell Izzy. She can at least be with you.’

 

Alec’s anxiety was through the roof, and his hands shook as he lay the blade down on the floor next to him. ‘Can you at least give me half an hour to clean up before you tell her?’ He said finally. He never wanted anyone to ever see him in this much of a mess, including Jace.

 

There was a beat in which the only sounds were Alec’s panicked gasps and Jace’s shallow sigh. ‘Twenty minutes, Alec. And if I feel anything else, I’ll call her immediately. Remember, if I – if I lose you, part of me dies too. You mean so much to us, Alec. We all just want you to see yourself the way we do.’

 

Alec was sobbing again now. _Pathetic,_ his brain supplied. He had lost count of the amount of times Jace had witnessed him cry, but every time it happened, it just made Alec feel worse; he was not meant to be ruled by his emotions. He was meant to be the perfect soldier, but every day, he seemed to be straying further from that path.

 

When he was younger, before he had figured out his crush on Jace, before he had felt so _fucking awful_ all the time, he thought that this would be easy. He was, after all, quite literally born to do this. But these days, everything was the same: train, go on a mission, get lectured about how he wasn’t good enough to run the institute, lie awake at night praying for sleep to come soon. It was all just one big blur of disappointment. Recently, Alec spent a lot of time on the roof of the institute, imagining jumping off. _God,_ he was a failure. He knew how much it would hurt Jace if he jumped, but he wasn’t exactly in his right mind when he was stood peering over the edge. Up there, especially in the early hours of the morning, it seemed so simple to go tumbling over the edge.

 

_But he didn’t need suicide watch. He didn’t need any help_. No way.

 

‘Okay, Jace, I’m sorry. Have a good trip.’ Alec hung up the phone before he heard Jace reply, and checked the time. 14:23. He could pull himself together in twenty minutes, right?

 

Alec leaned over and snagged the first aid kit off the shelf. He opened it, and thanked the angel that there was a needle and thread included in it. He cleaned and stitched the cut, before wrapping a tight bandage around his thigh to help stem the blood flow. From what he had seen of it, the cut would definitely scar. _Good,_ he thought, _I need to remember this_.

 

The next ten minutes, he spent trying to get himself to look presentable. He focused on deep breaths until he stopped crying, and his heartrate slowed marginally. Next, he soaked a wash cloth in cold water, and held it against his face, trying to reduce the swelling and redness around his eyes. He wasn’t sure how much it helped, but it was worth a try.

 

Alec checked his phone again. He had three minutes until Izzy would no doubt come barrelling in and fuss over him until Jace got back. He just hoped she wouldn’t want to _talk_. But if he knew his sister, they would definitely be having a heart to heart today.

 

There was just enough time to rush back in to his bedroom, closing his bathroom door firmly to hide the mess he had made cleaning his leg. He could deal with that later. Alec grabbed his laptop and flung it open, logging in to Netflix as fast as he could, and pretending like he hadn’t just had a full on panic attack, and cut while on the phone to Jace. Although, if his reflection in his laptop screen was anything to go by, he wasn’t going to be fooling anyone. The skin around his eyes looked irritated and a little swollen, and the capillaries in the whites of his eyes were obvious, making them look red and clearly giving away the fact that he had been crying.

 

Just at that moment, he heard the unmistakable click of Izzy’s heels coming down the hall. There was the smallest tap on his door before it was flung open with enough force that it collided with the wall behind it with a bang.

 

Alec flinched.

 

‘ _Oh, big brother._ ’ Isabelle whispered.

 

Alec shifted on the bed, and tapped the space next to him. ‘I was just about to watch a movie,’ he said, clearly avoiding the reason that Jace had sent Izzy to him. He hoped that she would get the hint that he didn’t want to talk right now. Especially after his disaster of a conversation with Jace earlier.

 

Isabelle hesitated in the door way for all of one heartbeat, before a soft smile crossed her face. She closed the door painfully slowly, the exact opposite of the way she had just opened it, and lightly crossed the room to Alec’s bed. ‘What are we watching?’

 

Alec just tilted the laptop screen so that she could see the opening titles to Mulan. ‘A musical?’ She burst out laughing. ‘You, Alexander Gideon Lightwood, are such a softie at heart!’

 

Alec didn’t dignify that with a response, instead, he just clicked _play_ and lent his head on his sister’s shoulder to enjoy the film.

 

 

 

The film was good, obviously. Alec knew it would be, after all, it was his favourite. Jace would probably pin that on the fact that it was all about family honour and fighting (which did hold a lot of appeal to Alec), but in reality, Alec liked it because Li Shang was in love with Mulan while she was still pretending to be Ping. And to Alec, that made all the difference, because Shang was still the best soldier in the army, he was still portrayed as a _hero_. To Alec, the idea that Shang was attracted to men as well as women – that he was probably bisexual – and was loved by his whole army, his whole _family_ was everything. Admittedly, his crush on Ping is never talked about, but the idea had stuck with him ever since he had first noticed it, and a quick google search told him he wasn’t the only one who thought that.

 

Isabelle had picked the next movie to watch: _Men In Black_. Alec had never seen it before, but he assumed it would be good, given the cast list. What they needed, he decided, was hot chocolate, and Izzy agreed.

 

She seemed reluctant to let Alec go to the kitchen by himself. Alec didn’t know what Jace had told her, but he had obviously said that he shouldn’t be left alone. _Fuck_.

 

It didn’t take long, however, before Alec was boiling the kettle in the kitchen and pulling out mugs. Living at the institute, they didn’t have many luxuries, but hot chocolate was a must for the Lightwood siblings, and they always had a hidden supply of it somewhere for just such an occasion as this. He checked his phone while he was waiting for the hot water. Jace had texted twice: _I told her you were having a bad day and not to leave you alone because you might hurt yourself, but I didn’t tell her what happened earlier_

_Let me know what’s happening_

Alec was always surprised at Jace’s punctuation in texts, but Jace always claimed that it made them easier to read. Granted, he wasn’t exactly wrong about that. Plus, it made the texts sound like Jace in Alec’s head, because he somehow managed to speak and write with the same tone and that was somewhat comforting.

 

Just as Alec was about to reply, the kettle stopped boiling. He pocketed his phone – he would reply while watching the film later – and set about making the hot chocolate for himself and Izzy. Normally, he would feel guilty about watching movies and having hot chocolate in the middle of the afternoon instead of going on a mission, but today was his day off, and he was determined to let himself relax just this once.

 

The walk from the kitchen to Alec’s room was relatively short, and although he still felt _awful_ , he was feeling better than this morning, which was always a bonus. Sadly, however, his lifted spirits didn’t last much past the doorway of his room.

 

Isabelle was sat ramrod straight on the edge of his bed. He paused, assessing the room for danger. No one else was there. He placed both hot chocolates on the bedside table, and was about to ask what the matter was when he noticed that the bathroom door was open. _Fuck_. Even from this distance, he could see the packages of medical supplies strewn across the bathroom floor, and he was sure that, were he to go closer, he would see smears of blood on the tiles.

 

Alec needed to leave. He wanted to run and not stop until his lungs were burning and his legs wouldn’t carry him another step.

 

‘Alec,’ Izzy’s voice was soft and worried, much like Jace’s had been the first time he had found out. It turned out that his duty to his family over rode his fight or flight response for now, because now all Alec wanted to do was say something to make his sister’s worry disappear. ‘ _What did you do?_ ’ Isabelle’s tone was worried, but Alec thought he heard something accusatory in it too, and it made him defensive.

 

Alec shrugged and squared his shoulders. ‘Jace told you I was having a bad day.’ Okay, so apparently, he had skipped straight past reassurance, and gone immediately to defensive-asshole mode.

 

Izzy frowned. ‘We need to call Jace.’

 

‘What? Why?’

 

‘Because he obviously knew something was up this morning when he convinced you he could tell me about this, and I think he needs an update on the situation.’ She gestured vaguely in the direction of the bathroom. _Could this day get any worse?_

They locked eyes for a split second before Alec was pacing, desperately wracking his brains to find a reason not to call their brother.

 

‘We can’t. You know he’ll come back if we phone him.’

 

‘Yeah, well maybe we need him more than some random girl. Besides, when I spoke to him this morning, it sounded like he wasn’t really enjoying himself anyway – something about meeting with dignitaries all afternoon. No doubt mother had something to do with that.’

 

Alec huffed a laugh, and tried to ignore the lump in his throat and the tightness in his chest when Izzy pulled out her phone. He cried too much, he decided.

 

‘Come on, he’s already worried –’

 

‘You don’t have to remind me.’ Alec groaned.

 

‘ _And,_ ’ Izzy pressed on, ignoring the interruption, ‘he is probably bored stiff in those meetings. We can just talk, and he can make his own decision.

 

Before Alec could even open his mouth to argue, the dial tone of Izzy’s phone sounded. Right now, he kind of wished speaker phone hadn’t been invented; at least then he wouldn’t have to hear Jace’s concern for the second time today.

 

Jace answered on the second ring.

 

‘What’s happed?’ Worry coloured his voice.

 

Isabelle glanced at Alec, and he was sure to avoid her eye by playing with a loose thread on his jumper.

 

‘Alec hurt himself.’ Izzy didn’t sound angry with him anymore; she spoke softly, and kept glancing at Alec with a look of unease.

 

‘ _Again?_ ’ Jace always sounded exasperated when he found out Alec had done this. It made Alec’s stomach feel like lead. He was such a disaster. ‘When? I didn’t feel it this time.’

 

_Okay, so apparently this day could get worse._ Everyone seemed to be waiting for Alec to speak. He cleared his throat. ‘I haven’t since this morning Jace. Not since – not since I was on the phone to you. Which I’m really sorry about by the way, you shouldn’t have had to be there for that. But I didn’t have enough time to clean the bathroom after I hung up, and Iz found the blood and stuff.’ _God_ , saying that out loud was one of the most embarrassing things Alec had ever done. The guilt of everything he put his siblings through was unbearable, especially because they were always so patient with him. Alec thought he didn’t deserve them.

 

Jace’s obvious relief just made Alec feel worse; he wished no one had ever found out about this in the first place.

 

Izzy narrowed her eyes. ‘You knew he’d done this?’

 

‘I mean, yeah, he was kind of freaking out this morning. I didn’t like having to force Alec to tell you, but he needed support right away.’ Alec huffed, it was like they had forgotten he was even in the room. ‘As it is, there’s a warlock at this god awful conference that has agreed to portal me home given this family emergency, so I will be with you in a minute and we can talk.’

 

_Family emergency? Fuck,_ Alec regretted everything that had happened since he woke up that morning.

 

‘You don’t have to do that.’ Alec was begging that everyone would just leave him alone.

 

However, the next thing Alec knew, the phone line went dead, and Jace was stepping out of a portal that was where Alec’s door usually stood. He looked like he was on the war path, and it made Alec feel sick. Jace patted him on the shoulder on his way past, and sat next to Izzy on the bed. He leaned over and picked up the two hot chocolates Alec had made, handing one to his sister and taking a loud slurp from the other. Alec really wanted hot chocolate right now.

 

‘So,’ Jace said, all emotion drained from his words. ‘First off, I think we should deal with the physical. That cut must really hurt, Alec, because I can still feel it.’

 

Alec had lost count of the amount of times that he felt guilty for being parabatai with Jace, and this was no different. First off, Jace could _literally feel_ Alec’s cut on his thigh, which was shitty enough, but he could also feel his emotions, and he had left California to be here. He was the worst best friend ever.

 

Izzy and Jace were both scrutinising him hard. He felt like such a lemon still standing in front of his siblings, although he hoped that his position at least blocked them from seeing a full view of the mess in the bathroom. Without thinking, Alec grabbed his desk chair, and, closing the bathroom door on the way back, wheeled it to sit in front of Jace and Izzy.

 

Jace waved his hand vaguely in Alec’s general direction, ‘come on then.’ This was their ritual: once Jace found out that he had cut, he had to see it, and check Alec had cared for it properly if he wasn’t going to heal it. Sometimes, Alec let Jace use an iratze on him, but not often; each time, it was considered a little victory for both of them. Alec was desperate not to do this in Isabelle’s presence, but it didn’t look like he had a choice. He stood, and slipped his sweats just far enough down his legs that the bandage could be seen, but that most of his scars were still covered by his boxers and trousers. Izzy inhaled sharply at the sight of the rows of scars on Alec’s legs. He closed his eyes tightly, praying that this was all just a shitty dream.

 

_‘Oh, Alec,_ ’ she murmured, voice thick, and tears threatening to fall. Alec glanced at Jace, begging him to let them do this in privacy. Jace just stared back stiffly, as if challenging Alec to cover up again.

 

Alec refused to cry around his baby sister. He had to be strong for his family, and Jace was the only person he would let see him brake. So, he stood stoically, waiting for his orders from his parabatai. This was always the way Jace dealt with Alec’s cuts; he always knew what to do to make him more comfortable, and, for Alec, that meant following commands.

 

‘Take the bandage off.’ This, he could do. He was a good soldier that could follow orders. This way, he didn’t have to think about why he hurt himself, or the fact that the two people he loved most in the world were seeing him like this. He was just doing what he was told.

 

Once the bandage was off, the cut hurt more, and Alec was well aware of the fact that Jace could feel that too. It didn’t look too bad, however; his rushed stiches were actually quite neat, and it wasn’t actively bleeding anymore. Jace nodded, obviously thinking the same. Izzy thankfully stayed quiet, for which both boys were grateful. She seemed to understand that they had a routine and didn’t want to break the spell between them.

 

‘Iz, would you get the first aid kit, please?’

 

_What?_ This wasn’t how it usually worked, not to mention the fact that there was a fair bit of Alec’s blood smeared on the bathroom floor. His feet started moving before his brain caught up with him. Isabelle rose too, glancing back to Jace for instructions. ‘Please.’ Alec begged, voice barely audible. _Please don’t make Izzy see what I’ve done._ He knew it was irrational – she had already seen inside the bathroom, that’s what started this whole debacle – but he needed to protect his baby sister from himself. Jace just nodded slowly. Alec bolted into the bathroom and pushed the door almost closed again. He got to work cleaning the blood, throwing away bandage wrappers, sterilising the needle. His blade was missing though, and that made his stomach clench violently.

 

He could hear Jace and Izzy talking in the room behind him albeit, their voices were muffled.

 

‘Do you have the blade, Iz?’

 

There was some shuffling where Alec assumed she handed it over. ‘How did I not see this was going on?’

 

Jace sighed wearily, ‘he didn’t want anyone to know, you know how he is. He only lets me help because I basically forced the secret out of him.’

 

There was a tense pause. ‘What do we do, Jace?’

 

‘I don’t know, just try to help him stop I guess.’

 

Alec wanted nothing more than the feeling of his blade in his hand. Surely he had to be punished for causing this hurt to the only two people who cared about him, right?

 

‘The first aid kit, Alec.’ Jace called once Alec was almost done cleaning, pulling him back from his obsessive scrubbing. Jace seemed to have some sort of hold over him, because he gathered the kit from where it was strewn around the bathroom, and carried it back out to his bedroom, walking as slowly as possible to avoid the inevitable conversation that was to follow.

 

As with every other time this happened, the only time anyone spoke while Jace rebandaged Alec’s cut was when Jace reminded him to breathe, and that everything was okay. But it felt about as far from okay as it was possible to get. This always seemed to happen to Alec: he thought that the rug had been pulled from under him so many times – that there was no way this could get any worse – but every time, he managed to keep falling. Every time he thought he was already on the floor, some great black hole would open, and he would feel worse. _This must be some kind of record_ , he thought bitterly.

 

Once the bandage was secured, everyone seemed to hold their breath for what felt like an eternity. Alec surprised them all by being the first one to speak. ‘Guys, I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I – I’m trying my best with this, I really am, but it’s not easy. I’m grateful for everything you do, but I can’t keep asking you to patch me up.’

 

Jace didn’t miss a beat, ‘Alec, the decent into hell is easy if it means that you’re not going alone.’ It was a phrase they used often, but somehow, hearing it spoken in such a soft way, and about such a gory topic made Alec’s heart just a little lighter.

 

‘We love you Alec,’ Izzy said earnestly. ‘Is there anything you need?’

 

Alec thought for a moment. ‘I’m so tired.’ There was nothing like two heart to hearts in one day, and a fuck tonne of anxiety to make you want to sleep for at least three years, Alec decided. ‘But – I mean – would it be too much to ask for you guys to stay with me please?’

 

His sibling’s soft smiles were all he needed to know that, for tonight at least, he was safe and loved.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec worries about his and Jace's fight over Meliorn, and they talk about his upcoming marriage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so this chapter contains some scenes from series one of shadow hunters, and a little bit of directly quoted text. Again, please be careful with yourselves because this obviously contains self harm. thanks for sticking with me so far! i've edited this chapter again since i first posted it

Things had been full on recently, ever since Clary had turned up, their whole lives had been turned upside down. Alec did have to agree that Izzy had a point about it making life more interesting, however, today, Alec just wanted peace. A rift had been growing between himself and Jace for some time now, and Alec was afraid that one day, he would wake up and Jace would be gone forever, lost to Valentine, or Clary, or just no longer interested in putting up with him.

 

To Alec, family was everything. It was why he was marrying Lydia in the morning. _So much for weddings being a happy occasion,_ he thought bitterly. This whole thing would have been so much easier if he had never met Magnus. Before then, he could accept that he could never have what he wanted; he could make his peace with a political marriage, and try to live long enough to see it through. But things were rarely that simple. Alec just wanted an easy life, and now Magnus was dangling the possibility of real happiness right in front of his nose when he was just about to fulfil his duty to his family. _What a mess_.

 

Jace hadn’t spoken to Alec since they had fought over taking Meliorn to the silent brothers, but his words seemed to follow him around like the plague. ‘ _…And now you’re getting married Alec? We both know what this is about.’_

 

Alec slammed his fist into the punching bag harder with each hit, begging for his brain to stop replaying Jace’s voice.

 

_‘It’s about me!’_

 

Alec’s chest contracted every time he thought about Jace saying that. He felt wrong, especially now that his parabatai knew he was crushing on him. Alec had managed to mostly get over Jace until Clary arrived, then, unexpectedly, all of these feelings of attraction were flooding through his bond with Jace, and he was in over his head again. It was Jace’s fault really; if he didn’t like Clary, Alec wouldn’t be feeling like this. Suddenly the training centre was too big, too noisy, and the bruises on his knuckles weren’t doing enough to block out his thoughts.

 

_‘It’s about your feelings.’_

 

Alec had to get away from this. He turned on his heels and ran down the hall, way from all the noise.

 

_‘It’s because you’re a –’_ Even now Alec was sure that he didn’t want to know the end of that sentence, but his brain supplied a word anyway. _Failure._ He needed his brain to shut up.

 

Alec didn’t stop running until he was in his bathroom, door bolted. His breath was coming in shallow gasps, and if he were a mundane, he was sure what was happening would be called a panic attack. As it was, shadow hunters were expected to let nothing faze them; they weren’t supposed to be weak like Alec was.

 

He remembered every punch he had landed on Jace. Maybe it had been overkill, but Alec had to make sure that Jace never finished his sentence. He thought that maybe, if he found out its ending he would just die, then and there, in some shitty tunnel, his parabatai looking on. Jace would probably have been glad to be rid of him.

 

Alec ripped open the cabinet under the sink, and searched for the blade. It was gone. Jace must have still done his usual sweep of Alec’s room, despite the gaping hole between them. Although Alec’s heart felt lighter because of this, his mind still supplied the rest of the fight to Alec, which made his skin crawl more.

 

_They had fought, both getting in a few good punches, until Alec had eventually pinned Jace down, seraph blade to the throat. ‘Do it!’ Jace had screamed, eyes wild. ‘I don’t want to be alive if we’re on different sides, Alec.’ Jace was gasping for breath, but Alec had felt so empty. His breathing was calm as he stared into his supposed best friend’s face. What was he doing?_

_He flopped back off his brother, suddenly lifeless. He couldn’t look Jace in the eye when he had stood, beseeching Alec to come with him. Maybe he should have gone; they could have been brothers again. As it was, he was too deep in the beginnings of a panic attack to do anything but sit there and hate himself. Jace had just left him there. Alec didn’t know if he had even looked back._

 

And now Jace had taken the only thing that meant Alec had control. Ever since Izzy had found out, she had wanted to help, but Jace was the only one Alec let search for blades – he was the only one he trusted to do such a sensitive job.

 

Alec _needed_ to cut. He hated his brother for everything that had happened since Clary arrived. Somehow, he still managed to be the one to blame for everything; that was why he needed to marry – it would restore some of his family’s honour. It was all he had to offer.

 

A quick scan of the bathroom came back with a solution: a straight razor. Jace had obviously left it so that Alec could shave. They both had one; they had been gifts from their father for each of their thirteenth birthdays.

 

Alec had just enough clarity to think about where to cut. His legs were filling up fast. He supposed that Lydia would see at some point, but he would push her away for as long as possible. Today, he needed more pain than his legs would offer. He just wanted to not have to _think_ for half an hour.

 

Eventually, Alec decided to use the soft inside of his forearms. The amount of nerves there would give him the pain he needed, and he could deal with wearing long sleeves; after all, he only owned one short sleeved t shirt anyway.

 

Alec was sat – as always – with his back against the bath, legs pulled at awkward angles so that he could rest his wrists on his knees. He pulled his shirt off and examined his pale arms. The contrast between his runes and sun starved complexion was satisfying. _It would look even better with the addition of neat, pink scars,_ his brain supplied, making Alec recoil slightly at the thought. He couldn’t believe how he thought sometimes. He really was sick.

 

He would start slowly – he couldn’t get carried away. Despite everything, the thought of leaving Jace alone in this world was too much for him to bear.

 

Being as Alec was right handed, he made the first cut on his left arm, just below the crook of his elbow, where the skin was soft. The restriction in his chest eased a little. He made three more cuts in quick succession. Blood was flowing freely down his arm now, dripping off his elbow onto his trousers. He felt a little sick with what he was doing.

 

Normally, around this time, Jace would come and find him, or at least text him, but his phone remained silent on the floor beside his feet. Alec tried not to feel too disappointed.

 

By the time he had made five cuts on his left arm, the itch under his skin was easing.

 

However, Alec didn’t like the thought of the scars on his arms being uneven. _This is so fucked up,_ he thought. He was getting married in less than 24 hours. Surely he was meant to be happy. None the less, Alec shifted the blade to his left hand, and made the next three cuts. The room swam a little before him. The final two weren’t as deep as the others due to Alec’s light headedness, but he knew that they would still scar, given their position on the sensitive skin of his arm.

 

Time seemed to stop as he took in the damage he had inflicted. _This was not good_.

 

As the throbbing in his arms decreased to a dull ache, he supposed that it was time to clean up. It was a long process, made harder by the fact that it he had to bandage himself one handed. _This would be so much easier if I had Jace,_ Alec thought bitterly. It was the first time he had ever wanted Jace to be there when he cleaned up and he hated himself for his selfishness.

 

Alec had learnt to always clean up immediately after he had hurt himself, given what had happened when Isabelle had discovered his secret. Surprisingly, the tiles beneath him were relatively clean, and it only took him around five minutes to tidy and pack away the first aid kit.

 

Sadly, his introspection had made him feel no better about his wedding tomorrow, and the silence from Jace made Alec nauseous with worry. What if Jace didn’t care anymore?

 

Alec couldn’t allow himself to think about that.

 

He redressed in his shirt, and shucked his bloody trousers off. Luckily, living with an army meant that no one really questioned blood stained clothes.

 

Alec made his way to his dresser and was pulling out clean sweats when Isabelle burst in.

 

‘You’ll need smarter trousers than that, Alec; it’s your bachelor party tonight.’

 

Alec groaned; the last thing he wanted to do was get drunk with a load of people who didn’t like him and barely knew him. After all, he wasn’t exactly the easiest person to get along with.

 

He turned, flopping dramatically onto the bed, and peering at Izzy out of the corner of his eye. She sounded cheery enough, but he could see how her eyes strayed to his legs, and the barely healing cuts that he had made in the past week. She noticed him watching her, and gave a tight smile. ‘Get dressed big brother, I’m handling the rest.’

 

Once she had gone, Alec felt strangely empty. He wished she had stayed so he wouldn’t feel so alone, but conceded that at least at the bachelor party he would be surrounded by enough people that he might be able to distract himself for a little while.

 

 

 

All too soon, Isabelle was collecting him from his room and tying a tie around his face to cover his eyes. There was no way Alec could do this; the thought of being in a room full of people right now made his skin crawl, and he hated how his breathing had noticeably sped up as they walked.

 

Alec was too anxious to register the way they walked, and fumbled embarrassingly as he was guided down a flight of stairs. He wondered if Jace would be there. _Would it be worse if he was?_

 

Finally, they stopped and Alec was able to take his blindfold off. He didn’t know if he was relieved or hurt that there was no one there. Just as he was turning to go find Izzy, Jace appeared across the room. _So at least he wasn’t alone, right?_ His gut twisted painfully, and he crossed his arms, subconsciously shielding his new cuts from Jace.

 

‘Izzy said you wanted to talk.’ How was it that Jace always seemed put out when he was speaking to Alec these days?

 

Alec shrugged, defensive, wishing Jace would just leave. ‘I don’t know what she thought I wanted to say.’

 

Alec’s head was a mess when Jace turned to leave, saying something about having work to do. He looked way, not wanting to watch his parabatai leave. Half of him wanted to say something shitty to make him go faster, but the other half wanted to catch Jace’s arm, and beg him not to leave him alone. _What a mess,_ Alec thought for the second time today. He heard Jace stop and his heart started pounding in his chest faster than he thought was possible.

 

Jace turned back around. ‘You know what? She’s right. We do need to talk.’

 

Alec still felt like his world had shifted ninety degrees, and was ready to shield himself to whatever Jace was about to throw at him. ‘Okay. Well, it’s my bachelor party, so you go first.’ He thought he sounded a little petulant.

 

‘I don’t know how things got so messed up between us, but I do know that my life has been a lot harder not having you to talk to.’

 

Alec paused, thinking about his freak out earlier. He glanced quickly at his arms. ‘Mine too,’ he conceded reluctantly.

 

Jace’s explanation of his actions left a lot to be desired. _He’d been going through a lot? What about me,_ Alec thought. Logically, he knew his brother was right, and he shouldn’t be so selfish, but it didn’t make it any easier to admit. ‘I only ever did what I thought was right, Alec.’ Okay, so maybe that made him soften a little. Jace was still a good person; he was still only trying his best. But that didn’t excuse the fact that all of this was still on Alec’s shoulders, and he still keenly felt the sting of Jace’s words during their fight.

 

‘But I never wanted to hurt you.’ He looked to earnest. Alec’s head was a jumble of conflicting emotions; he wanted to punch Jace, he wanted to hug him. _Fuck, he was a mess._ ‘I’m sorry.’ It wasn’t often that Jace said that, and it was even rarer that it was aimed towards Alec.

 

One side of Alec’s brain won out. ‘I know.’ _He was forgiven._ Ultimately, he knew that he would always forgive Jace. They were parabatai after all. ‘I just,’ he paused, taking a breath to get his thoughts under control, the last of his anger slipping away, ‘got caught in all this drama.’

 

They both cracked similes, and Jace let out a short, huffy laugh. ‘Yeah.’ Another smile, each one brighter and more genuine than the last. ‘I mean, you’re getting married tomorrow.’

 

Not to be out done, Alec countered, pointing out Jace’s infatuation with Clary, who also happened to be his sister. In that moment, it all seemed less big; they could face this together. They sat and talked. Alec was in a favourable mood, so he let their conversation drift dangerously close to his sexuality. Jace looked at him with an odd expression, all Alec could read from it was that Jace finally _understood_ why Alec was doing this; that he felt sorry for Alec, given the position he had been forced into. But that didn’t mean he agreed. ‘You could still call it off, you know.’

 

Alec smiled. It was soft in a way that he rarely showed. It clearly told Jace that Alec thought he was being naïve. ‘You know we would stand by you.’

 

The night he and Jace had fought hit Alec with full force again. _‘It’s because you’re a –’_ Alec _had_ to know the ending. Jace may be standing by him now, but was he secretly disgusted but him? Failure wasn’t the worst thing he could think of to end the sentence, but he hoped he that was what Jace had wanted to say. ‘When we fought, you said I was getting married because of my feelings. But you said “it’s because you’re a –” and you didn’t finish because – well, because I punched you. But,’ _was he really doing this?_ He took a deep breath and plunged on with renewed determination – he would never forget this if he didn’t know. ‘What were you going to call me?’

 

Jace lent forward, resting his elbows on his knees and hanging his head. ‘Alec, please don’t do this to yourself.’

 

He felt stupid for asking; unsaid words seemed to hang in the air between them. Alec felt like he had just made a major misstep that could undo their forgiveness.

 

When Jace spoke again, he was quiet and unsure. ‘What – what you have to understand is that I was angry with you, Alec. I’ve never thought like that before. It was just a spur of the moment thing. I just – I just wanted to hurt you.’

 

They were quiet, both lost in thought about everything that had happened between them.

 

‘Please don’t ask me to say it.’ Jace whispered.

 

Alec nodded; he decided it would probably still destroy him if he heard those words fall from his best friend’s lips, and now he knew his assumption had been right anyway.

 

Jace rubbed his arms, a frown on his face. ‘Earlier,’ he said carefully, ‘did you hurt yourself?’

 

He had gotten a lot better at asking that question – he no longer stuttered and paused at every word, but it still made Alec’s heart contract painfully every time. He couldn’t look at Jace when he nodded, eyes beginning to prickle with oncoming tears.

 

‘Was it because of what I said?’ Jace was usually so careful around Alec’s insecurities; that had been what had made his words hurt the most. Alec’s silence was enough of an answer for Jace, and he made a choked sound in recognition. ‘Alec, I’m so fucking sorry.’

 

Alec shook his head. ‘It’s fine. It would have happened anyway, I’ve been so stressed lately.’ He knew the words were true as he said them; this would have happened with or without Jace.

 

‘Can I see please?’

 

‘No,’ Alec’s denial was soft – he didn’t want to hurt his brother, but right now, he was too sensitive to show anyone what he had done.

 

‘What about tomorrow, Alec?’

 

Alec shifted. ‘I’ve told you, I have to do this. Think of mum and dad.’

 

Jace sighed. ‘I know you think you’re doing what’s best for the family, but what about what’s best for you?’ Before Alec could respond, Jace continued, ‘but that’s not entirely what I meant. Alec, there are – there are certain _expectations_ that go along with the wedding night.’

 

_Oh fuck,_ Alec thought, his whole body tensing.

 

‘What happens when Lydia sees your cuts?’

 

Alec swallowed. ‘I’ll keep my shirt on. The others are mostly healed; I can use an iratze on them in the morning, and she will believe me when I say that they’re from a long time ago.’

 

Jace looked stricken. As if Alec had just said something unforgivable. When he started to speak again, his voice was low and gentle. ‘Alec, I don’t want to sound pessimistic here, but you’ve been hurting yourself for almost two years now, and for just under half of that time, I’ve been trying to get you to stop. What makes you think that being married to Lydia will stop that? She might believe that this is in the past at first, but it won’t take long for her to see through that. As much as I hate to admit it, she’s not stupid.’

 

Alec had the exact same worry. _How could he hide this from his wife?_ ‘Jace, it’s not like I plan on letting her see my body often,’ he said instead, a blush colouring his cheeks at the implication of his words.

 

Despite the seriousness of their conversation, both boys suddenly bust out laughing. Jace shook his head and glanced at Alec, eyes searching his face for _something_. Whatever he saw, it seemed to solidify his next words. ‘God, I need a drink.’

 

Alec smirked at him and gestured to the bar behind him, ‘it is a bachelor party after all.’ He wasn’t entirely sure that this was what a normal bachelor party was like, but Izzy obviously knew him well because it was just what he needed.

 

‘Beer?’ Jace questioned, voice light once more.

 

‘Please,’ Alec said, happy that he and Jace were okay again. If Jace was with him, maybe tomorrow would be bearable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm hoping to get the next chapter up soon, it will be from Jace's point of view, which i hope will be cool! let me know what you think of this so far! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace helps Alec, and he decides it's time to try to get better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so this chapter is from Jace's point of view! i realised that the past few chapters have just been scenes that don't have much progression in them, but i'm hoping this one will move the plot forwards a little! as always, there is self harm in this, so please look after yourselves

Jace woke up with a knot of anxiety in his gut. It took little thought to know that it was from Alec; ever since he had kissed Magnus at his wedding, Alec’s emotions had been all over the place. This put Jace in the difficult position of also, albeit vaguely, experiencing the highs and excitement of Alec when he was with Magnus, as well as the sheer terror of when Alec spoke with his parents.

 

Today was definitely what Alec would call a Bad Day. It broke Jace’s heart to see how difficult life was for Alec now that he was out. He felt guilty for never really considering how much of a big deal it would be; after all, he was straight, how could he ever _truly_ understand how scary this was?

 

Still, Jace dressed for training and was on his way down the hall when he passed his father’s office, and his stomach rolled again, this time with as much of his own apprehension as with the ghost of Alec’s fear. The voices from inside were loud and, despite the solid oak door, Jace didn’t have to listen hard to hear their father’s angry words. ‘… _we raised you better than this, Alec! We gave you everything, and this is how you repay us?’_

 

In the silence that followed, Jace battled with himself as to whether he should burst in and stand up for Alec. The first time this happened, Jace had done exactly that and had a vicious row with his parents, but Alec had been irritated instead of relieved at the interruption. He was a private person, and hated to show any sign of weakness – apparently Jace’s idea of help was Alec’s idea of failure.

 

Before Jace could make up his mind, Clary and Simon spotted him. He heard the beginnings of Alec’s reply before he propelled himself forward, towards the others; Jace wanted to spare his brother from the embarrassment of Clary and Simon overhearing such a sensitive topic. After all, although they had been there for the wedding, and knew that Alec now had problems with his parents and the Clave, they didn’t know the full extent of the issue, and Jace was loathe to let them find out without Alec’s consent.

 

‘Hey,’ he said loudly, trying his best to cover the raised voices that echoed down the hall way after him.

 

‘Hi,’ Clary replied, once Jace had reached them.

 

He kept walking, headed towards the training room, praying that they would follow without question. ‘You want to train? Izzy said we should all help you practice as much as possible.’

 

Clary scoffed, and Jace turned just in time to see Simon frown at her.

 

‘Look,’ he sighed, ‘if you want to be out in the field, you need to spend as much time in the training centre as possible. We’ve all been taught to fight since we were children. You just have a little catching up to do.’

 

Simon still looked affronted on Clary’s behalf, and Jace wished that it was dark outside so that he could ask him to leave. As it was, Jace was too preoccupied worrying about what he had overheard his father say to bother too much about the vampire. He was at a loss as to how to help his brother – clearly, Alec didn’t want anyone to know how badly his parents had reacted, but Jace knew that it was only a matter of time before Alec started hurting himself again. Thinking about it properly, Jace was surprised to realise that Alec hadn’t cut since the night before his wedding, just over a week ago. Although, he had over trained practically every day, and his knuckles seemed to be permanently painted with deep purple bruises, this was nothing short of a miracle, given the week he’d been having. Jace was proud; maybe, they could finally broach the subject of Alec stopping for good.

 

 

Training with Clary was harder than usual, and he ended up calling it a day sooner than he would have liked – after all, he was telling the truth about Clary needing more practice. Jace’s thoughts were all over the place, however, and he missed easy opportunities to win his fights. On top of that, towards the end of their short session, his leg started to cramp weirdly, and he hated the satisfied smirk that Simon made every time Clary got a hit in. _Okay, so maybe he was a sore loser. Sue him._

 

As they walked back through the institute past the living quarters, Jace couldn’t shake the feeling that he was missing something. The twinge in his leg was sickeningly familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it, and his bond with Alec had felt shaky ever since he’d woken up. It felt like Alec was trying to hide something from Jace through his bond. Whether it was intentional or not, he couldn’t tell.

 

Just as they reached the corridor that housed Alec, Izzy, Clary and Jace’s rooms, Simon paused and pulled Clary close. Jace hardly suppressed an eye roll at his actions, but lent in to listen none the less. ‘Clary, I smell blood.’

 

Clary recoiled slightly, and glanced at Jace. ‘It’s not mine.’

 

Simon smirked slightly and looked Jace up and down quickly, eyebrows raised. ‘It’s yours? Not so good at fighting after all, huh?’

 

Jace tensed. ‘It’s not mine either. I –’ Suddenly, he realised whose room they were stood by: _Alec’s. Shit._ He was quickly able to place the feeling in his leg: Alec was hurting himself, and he had tried to use a blocking rune to stop Jace from feeling it. The parabatai bond must have distorted the rune, however, as Jace’s leg gave another dull throb. _So much for a week clean,_ he thought anxiously. Jace knew he had to get Simon and Clary away from Alec; he was probably freaking out enough already without all three of them bursting in on him. ‘Actually, you know what, I think I’m getting a nose bleed.’ It was a feeble lie at best, and from his friend’s expressions, they thought so too. ‘You better go ask Iz to train with you; she will probably have more patience. I have to –’ He groped behind him for the door handle to Alec’s room.

 

‘Are you okay?’ Clary looked suspicious.

 

‘Yeah, I just – this must have been what threw off my fighting. Alec has a rune to stop it though. I’ll catch up with you guys later.’ He gave a tight smile as he opened the door just wide enough to fit himself through; on particularly bad days, Alec sometimes forgot to close the bathroom door, and Jace hated the thought of accidentally revealing his brother’s secret.

 

Jace waited behind the door until he was sure that Clary and Simon had left. He felt a little bad for blowing them off with an obvious lie, but needs must he supposed.

 

Over the months they had been dealing with this, Alec and Jace had worked out a routine. Jace locked the bedroom door and let his boots fall heavily as he crossed towards the bathroom. ‘Alec?’ he called out, voice low and gentle.

 

Once he was outside the bathroom, he could hear the choked sound of Alec crying behind the door. Jace’s heart broke for his brother. It wasn’t fair. Alec was the best shadow hunter he knew: he was diplomatic, and generally a kind person, even if he was a little difficult to get on with, not to mention his skill with a bow and arrow. He didn’t deserve to have to deal with this.

 

Jace felt the ache in his leg increase a little, and his stomach dropped. ‘Alec, mate, can you put the blade down for me?’ He paused hoping for a response, but all he heard was a small, choked sob. _Fuck._ Despite helping Alec when he was in this situation before, Jace always felt out of his depth. He wanted to help more than anything, and would happily do this every day if Alec needed him to, but he never knew what to say. One thing that seemed to help was using his brother’s name as much as possible. ‘Alec, if you can’t talk right now, that’s okay, but I need to see you and make sure you’re alright. Please can I come in?’

 

It took an agonising minute before Jace heard movement on the other side of the door. The lock slid open slowly, and Alec stood facing Jace, tears still falling quickly from his eyes. Jace let out the breath he was holding. He _hated_ everyone who had made Alec feel like this.

 

Alec turned away and made his way to sit on the edge of the bath tub, his shoulders slumped in defeat. Despite his hulking size, Jace was always amazed at how _tiny_ Alec looked at times like these. It scared him that Alec could be so lost while surrounded by people who loved him. Jace took a deep breath, hoping to relieve the hitch in his throat before he spoke. ‘You ready to clean up?’ It wasn’t a question so much as letting Alec know that it was time to stop.

 

Alec nodded fractionally, and Jace propelled himself towards the cabinet under the sink to retrieve the first aid kit. At times like these, it almost felt like if Jace didn’t keep his momentum up, the two of them would stay frozen in this bathroom – _in this shitty moment_ – forever. And Jace couldn’t allow his parabatai to be lost like that.

 

Looking around made Jace’s heart contract painfully; Alec must have been a _mess_ when he first came into the bathroom. The bottles of shampoo were all knocked into the bath; his toothbrush lay haphazardly by the door, along with a bottle of mouthwash. Clearly Alec had thrown things in his distress. But right now, Jace needed to focus. _Where was the blade?_ It wasn’t something he wanted to leave with Alec – each time this happened, he took whatever Alec used; he now had a box full of miscellaneous sharp things which he couldn’t bear to throw out for some unfathomable reason.

 

Jace swallowed, and focused his attention back on Alec for the time being. ‘Hey,’ he murmured, noticing his elevated breathing and spaced out expression. _Panic attack_ , he thought. After the first time Jace had witnessed Alec panic, he had looked up what was happening and researched techniques for calming his best friend. _Thank god for google_. ‘Alec, you’re okay. Can you breathe with me? In – and out. Good. Keep doing that.’

 

Jace glanced quickly at Alec’s leg. There was a lot of blood. _Shit_. He set to work cleaning and bandaging the injury, all the while explaining to Alec what he was doing. Any time he needed Alec to do something – like shift so that the bandage could wrap neatly around the top of his thigh – Jace uttered a firm command. He found it was the only way Alec would respond. _Once a soldier, always a soldier._

 

It turned out that Alec had seven, deep cuts along the top of his thigh, all of them equal in length. It made Jace’s heart twist painfully to think that Alec was desperate enough to hurt himself like this. He closed his eyes to gather his thoughts. Alec was still silent. He usually was up until this point; it was something that unnerved Jace a lot because he worried that one day Alec wouldn’t open up about what was bothering him.

 

‘Alec, I need you to give me the blade.’ His tone was firm, but not unkind. Jace just needed his command to be obeyed.

 

Alec’s glassy eyes seemed to focus a little more once Jace had spoken, and he reluctantly reached into the pocket of his discarded jeans, never breaking eye contact. Once Jace had it, he slipped it into his jacket, and smiled softly at Alec; it was a peace offering.

They both straightened out the bathroom together, putting the toiletries back in their rightful place quickly.

 

‘Do you want to do this in here or in the bedroom?’ Alec said eventually, surprising Jace; normally he had to fight Alec before he would even consider opening up about what was going on. _What had changed today?_

 

‘Bedroom?’ Jace tried not to let his shock show in his voice, and rose quickly to unlock the door. Whatever was going on, he wanted to make the most of it. Maybe today would be the day that he finally asked Alec to stop self harming for good.

 

Jace was desperate to get this right for his brother. He didn’t want to scare him away now that they had come so far.

 

As they made their way towards the bed, Jace’s phone buzzed. It was Izzy. _Clary just told me you made some dumb excuse to get rid of her and Simon. What’s going on?_

 

_It’s Alec._ He replied, _he was freaking out and I had to help without them messing it up. Give us an hour._

 

Izzy replied swiftly: _Let me know if I can help_.

 

Jace pocketed his phone and sat on the bed facing Alec, so that their knees were touching. Alec kept his eyes down cast, focusing intently on the bedspread between them. Everything in the room seemed to wait on what was about to happen, as if the entire world turned on whatever either of the boys said next. It was a lot of pressure for Jace, because he wanted the best for his parabatai, and didn’t want to scare Alec away. ‘Mum and Dad are wrong, Alec. The whole damn institute is wrong if they think that you and Magnus don’t deserve a chance at happiness.’

 

At least this caused Alec to smile a little. _Anything was a step in the right direction_ , Jace reasoned. ‘Yeah,’ Alec mumbled eventually, finally looking up to meet Jace’s eyes. ‘You know what? I think – I think you’re right Jace. Their beliefs are old, and based on prejudice. They taught us from such a young age that this was _wrong_ , but maybe Max will grow up in a world where it doesn’t have to be.’ He looked at the bandage that was currently masking a multitude of scars, as well as the new cuts. ‘There have been too many people like me, Jace, who hate themselves just for _existing_. Just because they don’t quite fit the mould and it needs to change. But right now, I’m not strong enough to do it on my own. It’ll take time.’

 

They fell quiet again for a moment, the gravity of Alec’s words settled heavily on Jace’s chest. The truth of them was almost unbearable. ‘I know that some of this is stuff that you’ll have to face on your own, and I know that mental illness isn’t something that can change overnight, but I want to help in any way I can. I can take the heat from mum and dad if you need me to. Izzy and Clary, and even Simon, we’re all here for you, mate, whatever you need.’

 

‘I just – sometimes I just feel _wrong_ , Jace, and not only about liking guys. Sometimes it’s all too much, and when I also have the pressure of everything else that is going on –’ he paused, ‘it all just gets overwhelming. And I know you said you could distract me, but it’s – it’s just hard to see clearly at the time. I don’t want to let you down by saying that I’ll never be in this position again, but sometimes I think that doing _this_ ,’ he gestured to his legs. ‘I think it does more harm than good. Sure, it’s great at the time, but then you come in, and I see how worried you and Iz are, and I have to deal with that too. It’s kind of a vicious cycle.’

 

Jace shook his head, and paused to make sure his next words were the right ones. ‘Yeah, Alec, Izzy and I are worried about you – because we care about you more than anything else in the world – but the worry is worth it if it means you’re safe and supported. We want to help, but you have to _let us_. If you want to stop, we’re right here to help that happen.’

 

Alec smiled softly again, his eyes flickering briefly back to Jace’s face, before they danced around the room again, seemingly not taking anything in. Jace’s heart was in his mouth as he waited for Alec to respond; he prayed that he had said the right thing. He was never very good at the emotional side of things.

 

‘I want to stop,’ Alec said gruffly, hands twisting together in his lap. ‘But I can’t promise that this will be the last time we’re ever in this position.’

 

‘I’m not asking you to promise that.’ Jace reminded him. Jace had about a thousand other things that he wanted to say to Alec, most of them being about how much he wanted him to get better, how much they all loved him. He knew that in time, he would say them all, but for now, he just sighed and patted Alec’s knee. ‘You don’t have to do this all in one go; start with this, and go from there. Try not to worry about the institute and our parents yet. I’ll talk to them. It might take a while, but I know they’ll come round.’ He hoped he was right about his parents, and he would do everything he could to make recovery as easy as possible for Alec.

 

Alec seemed to struggle with something for a moment before he said, ‘Jace, I’m really grateful for everything you do for me, and I just want you to know, this is a two way thing, yeah? I know things haven’t been easy for you either, what with Valentine and Clary and everything else. But I will always have your back. No matter what. I know that recently our talks have been mostly after I’ve had a bad day,’ Alec blushed in embarrassment at taking the spotlight away from his parabatai’s issues, ‘but if you ever need to get something off your chest, you know where I am.’

 

It meant a lot to Jace that Alec wanted to make it so clear that they both had each other’s backs. They had been raised to see emotion as a distraction, so for him to be so open about how he was willing to stand by Jace no matter what meant the world to him, especially given their fight less than two weeks ago. He hugged his brother as tightly as he could, given their awkward position on the bed, hoping that it would tell Alec everything that he was feeling.

 

Jace’s phone buzzed again. It was from Izzy: _we are going out for lunch. Come with us._

 

Jace showed his phone to Alec, raising his eyebrows in question. Alec seemed to freeze for a split second before he nodded, standing from the bed to get ready. Jace sent Isabelle a quick _on our way_ before they left, leaving the solemn atmosphere behind in Alec’s room. They both felt hopeful about the future for the first time in a while; so maybe things were a bit of a mess right now, but they could get through it with each other’s help.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds out about Alec's self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so this is the last chapter before the plus one! i struggled a little writing this one, but i'm happy with the way it turned out. as always, this chapter contains self harm, so please look after yourselves!

Recently, Alec had been doing well; it had been a month since his last slip up, and he and Jace were learning to speak more openly about the big things. It had been strange for both of them at first, but they had found that being so candid meant that they both felt better for it. Alec was grateful that he had someone he could rely on so easily, and was more than happy to return the favour for Jace.

 

He had also been staying at Magnus’ loft a lot lately. He could hardly believe how much his life had changed so quickly – just a few short weeks ago, he was closeted, alone and basically suicidal, and now, he had a wonderful boyfriend, and the support of his family to help him get back on his feet. The only problem was it was a long process, and Alec still had more bad days than good. It felt like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like at any moment, he would wake up and realise that this was all just some fever dream, and he was still exactly where he started.

 

Today had been one of those days where he had woken up and everything had just been _off._ Nothing particularly bad had happened, but things just didn’t feel quite right. His limbs were heavy and he just felt numb. Alec had hoped that visiting Magnus would have helped ease his distress, but even being cuddled next to his boyfriend watching a movie didn’t help. He didn’t know what the film was, and couldn’t find it in himself to follow the plot at all, but he appreciated the soft colours and good background music. If he wasn’t so numb he probably would have enjoyed it; he would have to ask Magnus if they could watch it again when he didn’t feel like his soul was floating five feet outside his body.

 

Finally, they had gone to bed and Magnus had fallen straight to sleep wrapped up in his boyfriend. Normally, this made Alec’s heart light, but tonight it just annoyed him as, no matter what he tried, he couldn’t fall asleep.

 

It was raining outside, and the noise of water hitting the windows and roof paired with Magnus’ heavy, even breaths seemed to cut straight through Alec’s skull. Everything seemed to annoy him – even his boyfriend’s breathing – and he started to feel like the room was too small; he _needed_ space. Alec wanted to run until his brain was just background noise; he wanted to punch something until the ache in his knuckles cancelled out the ache in his chest. _Fuck._

Somewhere around 1 am, Alec noticed the tell-tale itch in his limbs that normally heralded him hurting himself. He shifted, praying that the feeling would dissipate. Much to his frustration, now that he had noticed the sickening crawling sensation under his skin, it was all he could think about; there was no way he was going to get any sleep tonight unless he did something to scratch the itch, so to speak.

 

Alec knew that he could easily wake Magnus, that he wouldn’t mind talking him through this. _Hell,_ he thought, _knowing Magnus, he could probably brew me a potion that could make this go away, at least just for tonight._ But a larger part of Alec’s brain told him that it would make him undesirable. After all, who would want to have to deal with his problems after a long day trying to unite the down world? He would be a pretty shitty boyfriend if he deprived Magnus of his much needed rest; too many people were depending on him, and it would be selfish for Alec to barge in an mess everything up.

 

It only took moments for Alec to make up his mind. He _needed_ this. And, as much as he hated to admit it, he was a little relieved that he was away from Jace tonight so that his brother wouldn’t have to deal with this latest failure up directly.

 

Carefully, he extracted himself from Magnus’ embrace, trying his best not to wake him.

 

Once Alec was out of the bedroom, he paused, looking for something sharp to use. He searched his weapons that were stashed by the door until he found a small throwing knife. It would be a little awkward to use due to its shape, but the blade was keen. Alec let out a relieved sigh before he stood and made his way to the balcony; something in him needed the feeling of looking at the vast city stretching out in every direction as far as the eye could see. Alec couldn’t feel trapped outside _right?_

 

The rain seemed to soothe Alec’s heated skin and he let out a small keening sound from the back of his throat as he rid himself of his pyjama bottoms. His body felt like it was on fire, and every item of clothing seemed to rub uncomfortably against his overly sensitive skin. Once he was naked, he slid down the wall next to the door and turned his attention to the knife he was holding. Alec was thankful that he wasn’t crying because it felt like if he had any more emotion in him right now his head might just short circuit, and he needed to be able to focus on what he was doing.

 

It got more difficult to find a clean stretch of skin to use each time Alec found himself curled on the floor,  blade in hand. He often wondered whether Magnus knew about his scars. He supposed he must do, despite the fact that Alec had a strict rule not to let his trousers go past the tops of his thighs while in Magnus’ presence. While this was fine for the most part, when things got more heated Alec could sense Magnus’ desperation to talk to him about why he refused to uncover his legs, and it kind of killed the mood.

 

Up until this point, Alec had never hurt himself in Magnus’ apartment and guilt ate away at his stomach until he couldn’t stand the anticipation anymore; he chose an unmarred stretch of skin on the outside of his left thigh and started cutting. It took seven minutes for the crawl of his skin to ease enough, by which time he had made nine uniform cuts.

 

Alec felt drained; he couldn’t even bring himself to move enough to begin stemming the flow of blood from his leg, despite the heavy throb that told him the cuts were bleeding a little too fast to be superficial. _Besides,_ he thought, _I have no idea if Magnus even owns a first aid kit; he is an all-powerful warlock after all._

Each small sound seemed to overload his brain, and the rain was getting heavier by the minute. It was hardly surprising that he didn’t notice Magnus’ soft, cat-like footsteps as they approached the balcony ten minutes later.

 

Magnus had a feeling that this was going to happen at some point, given what he could piece together about his boyfriend’s issues with self harm, but it didn’t make his chest any lighter when he saw Alec hunched on the other side of the glass door. ‘Alexander,’ he said softly, hoping to keep Alec as calm as possible, ‘can I come out there please?’

 

The poorly masked worry in Magnus’ voice made Alec feel sick, and he had to dig his nails into his fresh cuts in his thigh to have the clarity of mind to think of an answer. _What was he meant to do now?_ Alec knew Magnus wasn’t likely to leave him over this, but he didn’t want the warlock to have to deal with all of his _issues_ , or stay with him just out of pity.

 

But then again, weren’t relationships meant to be all about trust? Alec would have to trust Magnus to be honest with him if he was too much to handle.

 

Alec took three deep breaths before he trusted himself to speak. ‘You – you remember a while ago, Mags, when you said I should tell you if things ever got bad?’ He paused long enough to hear Magnus hum uncertainly. ‘Well, the thing is –’ his breath hitched, and he scrunched his eyes shut, ‘ _things are really, really bad, Magnus._ ’

 

Alec could hear a soft intake of breath from the other side of the door. He knew what he had to do next: he had to let Magnus help him. It was the most humiliating part of the whole ordeal – when someone he loved had to clean him up as if he wasn’t capable of looking after himself.

 

Given the blood still spilling from his leg, maybe he _wasn’t_ able to look after himself.

 

This revelation made his stomach lurch uncomfortably, and Alec scrambled to clear up the mess he had made before Magnus saw the worst of it.

 

At the movement, Magnus apprehensively slid open the door, praying for Alec not to shut him out. He murmured a soft ‘ _oh sweetheart_ ’ when he stepped over Alec’s legs and was finally able to properly see the damage his boyfriend had inflicted.

 

Alec froze. It was at this point that Alec realised he was naked. _Fuck_.

 

In the soft orange glow from the city streetlights, his scars looked more gnarled and raised than they did normally, and Alec couldn’t bring himself to look Magnus in the face as he waited for _something_ to happen next. They both seemed frozen in this humiliating moment, Alec naked and afraid, Magnus worried and ancient. Alec was adrift, and he didn’t know how to make things okay again.

 

There was a drawn out silence.

 

‘Can I heal them please?’

 

Alec shook his head, suddenly feeling a little more grounded by his boyfriend’s sleep worn voice.

 

 ‘Okay. Can I make sure they’re clean and properly looked after?’

 

Alec nodded, finally steeling himself to glance up and meet his boyfriend’s eyes. Magnus crouched in front of him, looking as if he expected Alec to bolt for the door at any moment. Admittedly, the thought was somewhat appealing.

 

Blue magic wrapped it’s self around Alec’s leg, and a bandage quickly materialised over the newest set of cuts. Magnus hadn’t gotten rid of the pain, and Alec was undeniably grateful for the small mercy he had been afforded.

 

‘Alec, I – I knew you did this,’ Magnus breathed, frowning slightly. ‘You remember when Jace had to portal back to you when he was at a conference?’ There was a pause, in which Magnus seemed to battle with whether or not to continue his story. ‘I was the warlock who made the portal. I know things haven’t been easy for you recently. And given your aversion to letting me see your legs, I could only guess that this was still an issue for you. But my offer still stands: if you ever feel bad – or if you think you might hurt yourself – _please_ tell me, love.’

 

Alec nodded again, not quite trusting his voice yet. His chest was full of some complicated emotion that sat half way between love for his boyfriend and anxiety over what was happening. He curled his legs up to meet his chest in an attempt to cover his scars and hide his nakedness.

 

‘Can you tell me what happened tonight?’

 

Alec cleared his throat, ‘everything was just so loud, and I couldn’t sleep. I just needed space, but even out here, my head wouldn’t shut up and I – ’ Alec’s breath hitched.

 

‘Okay. Alec, that sounds like sensory overload. Has this happened before?’

 

‘Yeah, mostly I get it after a mission.’

 

‘That would make sense, given the extra adrenaline.’ Magnus looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘I can give you some techniques to help tone things down if you’d like?’

 

‘I’m okay for now, but maybe tomorrow?’ Alec was still unsure what was happening, and he was fighting the part of his brain that wanted to be hostile and defensive to get out of the oncoming conversation.

 

Magnus frowned, but nodded none the less. He picked up a sodden heap of fabric, which Alec could only assume were his pyjama bottoms, and rose to his feet. ‘Come inside and dry off. I’ll make hot chocolate.’

 

Alec stood gingerly; it didn’t seem like there was any room for argument in Magnus’ request. Once inside, Magnus used his magic to dry Alec’s sweats and he redressed quickly, grateful that he was no longer so uncovered.

 

While Magnus boiled the kettle, Alec searched for the jumper that he had discarded long before they had gone to bed. In contrast to earlier, he now felt like he was too exposed, and was desperate to hide himself in his ugly knitted jumper.

 

By the time Alec arrived back in the living room, Magnus had already sat down, sipping calmly from his mug, and gesturing for Alec to sit on the sofa across from him. Anxiety bubbled just under the surface in Alec’s chest, but he did as he was told.

 

‘So,’ Magnus ventured carefully, ‘just so I’m clear, who knows about this?’

 

It wasn’t the question Alec had expected, and the uncertainty in his gut made him curl in on himself, sheltering behind the warm mug in his hands. ‘Jace and Izzy.’

 

Magnus nodded, eyebrows furrowed. ‘And – if it’s not too personal – how often do you hurt yourself?’

 

Alec closed his eyes, the reality that he had relapsed again finally hitting him. ‘I’m trying to stop,’ he said harshly, ‘before tonight, it had been a month since I last cut. I – I’m trying my best Magnus.’

 

There was the smallest beat of silence before Magnus replied. ‘I know.’ He said simply. ‘I’m just trying to understand the situation; I’m not upset with you.’

 

At times like these, Alec was reminded that Magnus was an ancient being, who had lived for centuries. It seemed like this was something he had done before, and it made Alec wish that Magnus hadn’t found out in such a graphic way. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, all the fight leaving his body as quickly as it had arrived.

 

‘It’s okay, Alec. I know this isn’t easy for you. I assume you would be against getting treatment? You’ve been going through this without much help for long enough.’

 

Alec was a little confused, ‘Izzy and Jace are helping me.’

 

Magnus smiled faintly, as if Alec had completely missed his point. ‘They’re not professionals, Alec; they can help, but they might not always know the right thing to do. I meant more that maybe you should consider seeing a psychiatrist and having therapy sessions. Given what I know, it sounds like you have depression, and they could help you cope in more practical ways – give you medication, that kind of thing.’

 

‘What do you think the Clave would say if they found out?’ Alec said, horrified. ‘I could be de-runed if they think I’m not capable of active service, Mags. I know you’re trying to help, but therapy is not an option I can take.’

 

A heavy silence seemed to settle over them, and Alec gulped a mouthful of hot chocolate just for something to do.

 

‘Okay – that’s okay, Alec, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. But _please_ will you talk to me? Sometimes just having people there to listen helps in ways we don’t even realise. I know you have your siblings to help, but please let me in too. I love you, and I hate the thought of you struggling alone.’

 

Alec smiled a little at Magnus’ sincerity. ‘Of course, Magnus. I love you too.’

 

Alec suddenly felt bone tired; his anxiety always took a lot out of him, and his body seemed to be catching up with the fact that he had been awake for almost 24 hours.

 

‘Do you want to go to bed? You must be exhausted after everything.’ Sometimes Alec swore that Magnus was psychic; he was so in tune with what Alec needed.

 

‘ _Yes_ ,’ Alec rose quickly.

 

‘You’ve got tomorrow off, right?’ Alec nodded, ‘Maybe we can talk some more tomorrow when we have clear heads, and come up with some ways I can help you.’

 

Magnus followed Alec closely into the bedroom, and let him curl against his side. Alec knew that they would have to have a difficult conversation in the morning, and that Jace would have to find out about his relapse at some point, but right now, he felt safe and loved and that was all that mattered. He could make it through this. The more people he had to rely on, the better his chances of managing his depression seemed in the long term.

 

Maybe he did have a long way to go, but tonight he quickly fell asleep, his boyfriend whispering soft reassurances into his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so i hoped you liked it! i just wanted to say that i have dyslexia, so writing like this is really difficult for me - which is why this chapter was so hard - but it makes me so happy when people give me kudos and comment! so thank you! i'm really looking forward to writing the last chapter :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec asks for help, and his family are only too happy to oblige

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the final chapter in this fic, and i've honestly really enjoyed writing the whole thing! thank you so much for sticking with me until the end, and thank you to everyone who has left lovely comments and kudos, i can't tell you how happy it makes me that you like my story. This chapter is very fluffy, and i really hope i've done it justice! for once, this chapter does not contain depictions of self harm, but obviously, it is still talked about, so just be aware

Alec was not good at having down time, that much was clear. Whenever he had a spare moment to breathe, his urge to self harm increased tenfold. Now that Valentine was dead, the pressure on the institute had eased, even if Clary and Jace were still lying to him about what happened at Lake Lynn.

 

At times like these, Alec was willing to do anything to distract himself from the sickening crawl under his skin. He drank a _lot_ of coffee; the heat was somehow soothing against his sensitive skin, and it kept his hands busy. No one seemed to question why he always had a mug in his hand, for which he was eternally grateful. He had also taken to wearing one of Isabelle’s hair bands around his wrist. It was subtle enough that no one really commented on it, but he could flick it to take the edge off his discomfort.

 

Much to Alec’s annoyance, Jace had started to become more insistent that Alec could not over exert himself during training sessions. He would tap out just before Alec began to feel the satisfying burn in his muscles that heralded the beginnings of exhaustion. Jace left no room for argument: when training was over for the day, Alec had to stop. He knew it was for the best. After all, he didn’t want to let his guard down if his sibling were relying on him for a mission, but it felt like every single outlet he had for his emotions was being restricted, and the pressure in his mind was reaching boiling point.

 

Alec found himself pacing the kitchen at the institute while he waited for the kettle to boil for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He kept his eyes pointedly averted from the knife block in the corner of the room, internally fighting with the idea of letting himself slip up _just this once._ It was what he always said: _just this once. One more time, and then I’ll never do it again_. Somehow, there always seemed to be a next time.

 

He was a terrible soldier; he had no discipline, giving in so easily. The thing was, when Alec let his emotions get the better of him – when he felt _too much_ – a switch seemed to flip in his brain, and suddenly he was numb to everything. From the Clave’s point of view, this was ideal; he was a better soldier when he had no feelings to influence his decisions. Sending Meliorn to the silent brothers had proved that. But it meant that his decisions were harsher, and that he hurt the people he loved. The only way he could claw his way back in control of his mind was to _hurt_ , and he found that he couldn’t get anywhere near the kind of relief he needed without a blade in his hands. It was a lose/lose situation for the people he loved.

 

It was hard for Alec to have to watch his family worry about him. He hated disappointing them. Even feeling like he needed to cut felt like a betrayal; it felt like he was failing them even when he was trying his best to cope.

 

Alec stopped pacing. _If he was failing them either way, surely it was okay to let himself do this?_ Just as he took a step towards the knives, he registered movement out of the corner of his eye. Jace was leant against the door frame, wearing a complicated expression. _How long had he been there?_

 

Alec snapped the hair band against his wrist.

 

He turned away from Jace – away from the knives – and resumed making his drink. ‘Do you want coffee?’ Alec questioned, voice a little tight, even to his own ears.

 

‘Please.’ Jace was across the room in seconds, grabbing himself a mug on his way. They were both quiet while the drinks were made, but Alec didn’t miss the way that Jace’s eyes raked over him, searching to see if something was amiss. His gaze seemed to linger on the band around Alec’s wrist and the slightly reddened skin from where he had flicked it. ‘Magnus texted me earlier.’

 

‘Oh?’ Jace and Magnus weren’t exactly close; whatever he wanted must have been important.

 

‘Yeah, he said that you left before he got up this morning.’ Jace kept his tone conversational, but the way he was staring at Alec let him know that his was something more serious. ‘He said you’ve not been yourself for the past few days.’

 

‘I’ve just been tired, and I had some reports to do this morning before we trained.’ It was a weak excuse, and Alec knew it; it was just so difficult for him to admit that there was something wrong.

 

Jace hummed sceptically. ‘See, we think that maybe you’re not doing so well right now. Alec, whatever is going on in your head, please don’t shut us out. We want to help.’

 

Alec closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Jace, I _really_ want to hurt myself right now. I’ve tried so hard not to slip up, but now that everything had calmed down with Valentine, it’s just given me more time to notice how much I need this. I know you and Magnus want to help, but I don’t want to burden you all with my dumb issues when you all deserve a break. If I keep busy with the institute, things are easier.’ Once Alec started talking, the words just kept coming. ‘I feel so numb, Jace, and I don’t know how to feel like myself again without –’ He made a vague gesture in the direction of his legs; they both knew the multitude of scars that were hidden there like the back of their hands. ‘I really need some help.’

 

Jace nodded, frowning slightly. ‘You’re taking the day off today –’

 

‘Jace, I just told you, I need the distraction of work. We could train?’

 

‘No, you need _a_ distraction. I’ll phone Magnus and Isabelle, we can all help take your mind off everything, but in a way that will make you happier and more relaxed, not just shifting the focus away from the real issue.’

 

Alec paused for a moment. A day off did sound appealing, especially if he got to spend it with his favourite people in the world; he missed just hanging out with his family, instead of having to constantly be on guard. It seemed that recently, the only times he got to see his boyfriend and siblings was if they were on a mission doing god knows what. ‘Yeah, okay.’

 

 

Within the hour, Alec, Jace and Izzy were stood outside of Magnus’ apartment with a shopping bag full of snacks. Alec still wasn’t sure exactly what they were planning, but anything that involved the amount of chocolate they had brought surely had to be a good thing. Magnus opened the door with a flourish, and paused to give Alec a swift kiss as he let them into his house.

 

Magnus seemed to have covered the living room with blankets and pillows, and lamps filled the space with a soft yellow glow. The uncertainty of the situation made Alec’s skin crawl a little more, and he rolled up his sleeves in the hope that the cool air might ease his discomfort. ‘What’s this?’

 

‘Movie night,’ Izzy said simply.

 

Alec snorted, ‘Iz, it’s not even lunch time yet.’

 

She just shrugged, completely unphased, ‘We have a lot of movies to get through.’

 

Alec laughed properly for the first time all day, and the tension in his shoulders eased a little. He was ushered over to the sofa by Magnus, and made to sit in between his boyfriend and Jace. Izzy draped blankets over them all, before settling on the floor in between Alec and Jace’s knees.

 

The first film went by in a blur of bright colours and shapes; Alec was still too dazed to have any idea of plot or dialogue, but somehow, the distraction was working, and he began to feel like he had more control over his body again.

 

Before the second film started, Magnus and Isabelle decided to make popcorn. Once they had left the room, Alec was acutely aware of the fact that Jace was staring at him. He shifted a little under his brother’s intense gaze, praying for Magnus and Izzy to hurry up so that he wouldn’t have to deal with whatever Jace was thinking.

 

Sadly, it looked like it wasn’t Alec’s lucky day, because Jace started speaking moments later. ‘Mate, your – your arms, is that what you did before your wedding?’

 

Alec froze, glancing down at the ten pink scars that traversed the soft inside of his fore arms. He nodded, glancing back up to meet his brother’s eyes.

 

‘Sorry, you probably didn’t want to be reminded of that. It’s just – _fuck_ , mate, I’ve never seen those ones before, and they look pretty bad. I’m so sorry that we didn’t realise sooner how much you were hurting.’

 

Alec, shrugged, his hands drifting unconsciously to scratch at the insides of his wrists. ‘Its fine, Jace. I was kind of keeping it a secret for a reason, you know? And besides, you’ve helped me a hell of a lot over the past two years. You’re helping me a lot now,’ he paused a little, wondering whether to go on. ‘I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me, Jace. Thank you.’

 

Jace’s smile was blinding, he looked like Alec had just told him he had won the lottery. ‘ _Alec_ ,’ he said, voice soft and full of love, ‘we just want you to be okay, and I hope you know that we would do _anything_ to make this easier for you.’ He reached over, gently stopping Alec from scratching at his arms. ‘You’ve done all the hard work, mate. I can’t imagine how scary it is to ask for help, but I’m so fucking glad you did.’

 

Alec blushed a little; he wasn’t used to people saying such kind things to him, especially not Jace, who made a habit of being aloof and wasn’t often so open about how he felt.

 

Alec was spared having to reply by a small yelp from Izzy, followed by a large crash from the kitchen. A few moments later, Magnus was sweeping back into the room, holding an enormous bowl of ice cream; Isabelle followed behind, looking dejected. Alec raised an eyebrow at Jace, smirking slightly at the incredulous look his brother gave him. ‘Should I ask what just happened?’

 

Izzy sighed dramatically, ‘ _someone’s_ stupid cat tripped me up while I was carrying the popcorn, and I dropped the bowl.’

 

Jace snorted, while Magnus feigned offence on Chairman Meow’s behalf. ‘My cat is far from stupid! No ice cream for you unless you apologise to Meow.’

 

Alec rolled his eyes. He felt more and more like himself as time went on. Maybe Jace had been right to try and distract Alec with something fun rather than just letting him dive into work or training. His skin still seemed irritated, especially holding a cold bowl of ice cream, but he as able to focus on the next film they watched – Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (Alec could only assume that the first film they watched had been the first film of the trilogy).

 

 

It was late into the evening before anyone moved again, and Alec basked in the feeling of being safe and – for the moment at least – happy. They had finished the entire Lord of the Rings films and had moved on to Harry Potter, much to Magnus’ annoyance. He seemed hell bent on pointing out all of the differences between the films and how his magic worked, but Alec was too content to care too much about the interruptions. After dinner, Chairman Meow had settled on Alec’s chest, and he couldn’t quite tell if the warmth in his chest was from the cat or the comfort he took in being with his family. He let out a soft, contented sigh, cutting Magnus off mid rant.

 

‘What is it sweetheart?’

 

The nicknames Magnus used still caught Alec off guard every time; it was so alien to him that he could be afforded such gentleness. On days like today, it baffled Alec that he ever thought he could live without loving a man. The time before Magnus entered his life felt hazy and painful, and he was still dealing with everything that went with suppressing his emotions for such a long time.

 

He breathed deeply again before answering, ‘I was just thinking how much better I feel.’

 

Izzy and Magnus shared a pleased look. ‘Good. Next time you feel like this, at least you know you have other viable options to deal with your emotions. Just because self harm is how you’ve dealt with things in the past doesn’t mean it’s the only way to deal with things right now.’

 

Alec swallowed thickly and nodded; everyone seemed to be treating him so kindly, and he felt a little like he was being babied. _Just this once,_ he thought, _maybe that’s okay._

 

 

It was late into the night before they finished all of the Harry Potter movies, and by that time, Jace was the only person who was still awake. He looked around at the people Alec had chosen to help him, all curled around him, sleeping peacefully. He knew that one victory didn’t mean that Alec’s depression had magically disappeared, or that he would never pick up a blade again, but something in his chest told him that Alec would come to them when he needed comfort. They would all be there for him for as long as he would let them. _Okay, so maybe things weren’t perfect, and maybe they would never be, but there was now light at the end of the tunnel._ With this final thought, Jace let his eyes slip shut, following his family into a peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know the ending of this is super cheesy, but our boy deserves a soft ending. thank you again for reading my little fic! i'm so grateful for your support <3


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